"Fathers" and such

I had a dream about my father abandoning me again, we disagreed on politics and we argued and he left. I woke up really sad because of it. I don't know really why I was sad, I guess I missed him or something? Sometimes I do but 95% of the time I don't. I think I was more sad that I realized in real life he doesn't give a crap or when he almost seems like he does he doesn't try to reach out he just does the least possible he has to. I think not seeing me since I was 8, and before then not really being there, sending one voicemail saying he "loves me" doesn't fix anything. Actions speak louder than words, and even more when you only say a couple words.

Because of his terrible job at being any kind of father or role model I don't refer to him as my "dad" my step-dad is closer to being my dad and my mom just married him like 4 years ago. I would never call him "daddy" "dad" ever or even my parent, being my biological father doesn't make someone a parent. A parent parents and he has not ever done that. He only taught me how not to live my life, how not to treat my future children, what kind of man I shouldn't marry or be in a relationship with. He gets the least important title because he did the least amount of work to raise me, which is a stretch because he simply helped produce me.

Weirdly enough I do not hate men because of him, I just have a kind of weird view of them, but a father is supposed to teach you about relationships with men so I'm sure that's why. And despite my mom divorcing my biological father I don't have a bad image of marriage either. I would like to get married and have children. And I try to get my examples of good marriage, commitment, and good fathers from people around me. I have had teachers that I admire for their good marriages and healthy relationships and male teachers that seem to give a crap about their children. I find being a good and caring parent very important to I will marry or have children with a man that cares for the children he helps produce. I don't want my children to have the side effects of a absent parent make their lives harder. Though I see this as something I will try as hard as I can to make happen I know it takes two to tango and the man is included in the decision, this is why I don't blame by mom. my father chose to be selfish and abandon his children. My mom has done a awesome job raising me and my sister and to be honest other than a little mental illness here and there I didn't turn out so bad haha, I value good behavior, education, and thought, treating others well, and (usually) obeying my mom lol. I will never do drugs because that is what ruined my father, and I will be there for my family and friends.

I am angry with my father (which I know is immature) and I hope sometime in the future I can forgive him, because it doesn't benefit or improve my life to be angry, even at someone who deserves it. But I know I will not be forgiving him anytime soon.

Love each other*

*I don't know if I could say I love him at the moment, I doesn't feel right or warranted in my thoughts no less on my lips.

Eminem's music always helps when I'm feeling this way. I feel like he's rapping the anger I feel. His music and Rock really makes me feel better :). He was angry at his parents like I am at my father, we have that common ground haha.

For your listening pleasure:

Sing For The Moment By: Eminem